Losing a loved one to suicide is a devastating experience that can leave family and friends grappling with complex emotions and profound grief. It is crucial for those who have lost someone to suicide to receive support and understanding from their loved ones during this difficult time. In this article, we will explore the do’s and don’ts of supporting someone navigating the loss of a loved one to suicide, offering practical guidance from experts in the field.
Acknowledge the Profound Loss
The first step in supporting someone grieving a suicide loss is to acknowledge the immense pain and devastation they are experiencing. Dr. Michael Groat, director of psychology at Silver Hill Hospital, emphasizes the importance of recognizing the awfulness of the loss. People who have lost someone to suicide are left reeling and overwhelmed, and validating their feelings can provide a sense of comfort and understanding.
Ask and Listen
Every individual processes grief differently, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to supporting someone through a suicide loss. Dr. Tia Dole, clinical psychologist and chief 988 lifeline officer at Vibrant Emotional Health, suggests asking the grieving person about their needs. Some may prefer space and solitude, while others may appreciate frequent check-ins and support. By initiating an open conversation and actively listening to their needs, you can better understand how to provide meaningful support.
Speak Their Name
When acknowledging the loss, it is important not to shy away from mentioning the name of the person who died by suicide. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention encourages speaking the name of the deceased, as it provides an opportunity for loved ones to reminisce and keep their memory alive. By mentioning the person’s name, you demonstrate your willingness to honor their existence and the impact they had on the lives of those left behind.
Take Proactive Steps to Offer Help
Instead of waiting for the grieving person to ask for assistance, taking proactive steps to offer help can alleviate some of their burdens. Dr. Groat suggests practical gestures such as preparing a freshly cooked meal, offering to take care of pets, or assisting with any tasks that may relieve their stress and responsibilities. By anticipating their needs and providing support without placing the burden of asking on them, you can demonstrate your care and alleviate some of the pressure they may be feeling.
Understand Changing Needs Over Time
Grief is a complex and evolving process, and the needs of the grieving person will change over time. Dr. Groat emphasizes the importance of remaining understanding, curious, and non-judgmental throughout their healing journey. In the immediate aftermath of the suicide, individuals may require support in coping with overwhelming emotions. As time passes, milestones such as holidays and anniversaries may trigger renewed waves of grief. It is crucial to remain patient and consistently check in, letting them know you are there to listen and support them.
Validate Unanswerable Questions
People grieving a suicide loss often grapple with unanswerable questions, such as why their loved one took their own life or what signs they may have missed. In such situations, it is important to validate their distress and refrain from offering simplistic solutions. Dr. Groat suggests acknowledging the difficulty of the situation and expressing empathy by saying phrases like, “I know, this is so hard,” or “There are no words to make it better. I am here for you.” By doing so, you communicate that they are not alone in their grief and create a safe space for them to express their emotions.
Avoid Unhelpful Comments
While well-intentioned, certain comments can be unhelpful or even hurtful to someone grieving a suicide loss. Avoid making statements like “They are better off now” or “They are no longer suffering,” as these may not provide the comfort you intend. Dr. Dole advises against commenting on the mental state or speculating on what the person who died may have been thinking or feeling. It is crucial to offer comfort, support, and respect, even if there were mixed feelings towards the deceased.
It is essential to avoid making judgmental comments about the deceased or the feelings surrounding their death. Even if there were complexities in the relationship, it is important to recognize that the grieving person is suffering and deserves compassion. Dr. Groat emphasizes that people who are grieving tend to fare better when offered comfort, support, and respect. If you notice significant changes in their behavior or emotions, consider connecting them with professional services or a support group, ensuring they know they are not alone in their experiences.
Apologize and Learn
Supporting someone through grief is a delicate process, and mistakes may happen along the way. If you inadvertently say something that hurts the person you are trying to support, offer a sincere apology without excuses or caveats. Dr. Dole suggests acknowledging your mistake and asking them how you can support them better in the future. By taking responsibility for any unintended harm and showing a willingness to learn, you can strengthen your relationship and provide more effective support.
Seek Professional Help and Resources
While friends and family play a crucial role in supporting someone grieving a suicide loss, professional help and resources can also be immensely valuable. Encourage your loved one to seek counseling or therapy, as professional support can provide them with healthy coping mechanisms and strategies for navigating their grief. Help them search for therapists, schedule appointments, or connect them with support groups specifically tailored to suicide loss survivors. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine is another valuable resource that offers information, support, and guidance for mental health care.
In conclusion, supporting a loved one grieving the loss of a suicide requires empathy, understanding, and patience. By acknowledging the profound loss, actively listening to their needs, and avoiding unhelpful comments, you can provide meaningful support during this challenging time. Remember that grief is a personal journey, and offering ongoing support and resources can help them navigate the complex emotions and find healing.